


John Is A Bloody Saint

by PC_Hopkins (orphan_account)



Series: Texts From Baker Street (and other tales of woe) [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Explicit Language, M/M, Mycroft is never going to get there, Relationship(s), Sherlock is a terrible flatmate and an even worse boyfriend, Texting, You'd think it would be Sherlock who ruins relationships...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-16
Updated: 2012-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-07 20:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/435338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/PC_Hopkins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's mobile makes a great sacrifice to stave off Sherlock's boredom. John is decidedly less than pleased.</p>
<p>And everyone else is suddenly acting very... queer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John Is A Bloody Saint

 

**Contacts:**  
Leads Tried  (and failed!)  
Warm Heart in a Cold Place  
Infinite Patience for Stupidity  
Detrimento—Malignitas—Victoria—Vltio  
Does That Make Her the Ice Woman?  
Improbable, But It Must Be True!  
The Most Human

 

\---

 

**Leads Tried (and failed!)**

_- > send text message_

 

Sherlock Holmes, what the bloody hell have you done to my phone!?

\- John

 

this is the other holmes

\- Lestrade

 

Oh sorry Mycroft

\- John

 

Wait, why are your texts signed with ‘Lestrade’?

\- John

 

a very long story involving too much classified information for me to tell you in any satisfactory capacity

suffice to say i have not yet had the opportunity to return the inspectors phone and intend to do so upon next meeting him

\- Lestrade

 

but back to your problem

what has my brother done now

\- Lestrade

 

He’s changed all the names of my contacts to weird riddles, so I can’t tell who is who. This was the one at the top. Leads Tried… Oh, hah, I get it. That’s clever. An anagram. The others aren’t, though, so I dunno about them.

\- John

 

ah yes that sou

\- Lestrade

 

sodfasf

\- Lestrade

 

What?

\- John

 

Are you sick?

\- John

 

Hello?

\- John

 

no quite well

bump in the road

apologies

\- Lestrade

 

i can be over shrotretaly

\- Lestrade

 

another bump

\- Lestrade

 

No, it’s alright. I dunno where he is anyway. Probably off harassing Lestrade.

\- John

 

no

\- Lestrade

 

What?

\- John

 

Oh, right, you’ve got cameras. Do you know where he is?  
\- John

 

no

\- Lestrade

 

i am currently engaged

\- Lestrade

 

That’s alright. He’ll come back eventually. I’ll just go through the list to check who the other people are.

\- John

 

sound idea

\- Lestrade

 

i may be some tiemkaeff

\- Lestrade

 

this road is quite rough

\- Lestrade

 

\---

 

 

**Warm Heart in a Cold Place**

_- > send text message_

 

 

Hello, sorry, Sherlock changed my contact names; who is this?

\- John

 

Hi John, thats ok, lol is he bored? its Molly xxx

\- Molly

 

Oh hi Molly! Yeah, he is a bit. You know how he gets. How are you? Haven’t talked to you for ages.

\- John

 

Im ok, just trying to get by, stay happy, you know. We should catch up sometime xxx

\- Molly

 

Not in that way though I meant as friends! xxx

\- Molly

 

Sorry I really need to think before I send xxx

\- Molly

 

That’s fine! Yeah, friends, that’s what I meant too. Dinner or something like that, it’d be great. I’ve got some news to tell you as well.

\- John

 

Ok, thatll be fantastic, talk to you soon then! Ive got to stop Sherlock from stealing more cadavers xxx

\- Molly

 

Is he at Bart’s??

\- John

 

Molly?

\- John

 

Bugger it.

\- John

 

\---

 

 

**Infinite Patience For Stupidity**

_- > send text message_

 

Hi, Sherlock changed all my contact names, so I’m just texting to ask who this is.

\- John

 

It’s Harry. Don’t recognise your own sister’s number??

\- Harry

 

Sorry, he replaced everyone’s name with bizarre riddles.

\- John

 

How’re you doing?

\- John

 

Your bloke sounds like a right barrel of laughs. I’m fine. Alive.

\- Harry

 

‘My’ bloke? We should catch up soon, if you’re alright with that. I’ve got some news. Good news, for once.

\- John

 

Course he’s your bloke, I read your blog, I know you stare at him like you did that girl in year five. Yeah, great, lets.

\- Harry

 

I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me. And how’s _your_ love life?

\- John

 

Barren

\- Harry

 

As per usual.

\- Harry

 

It’ll get better. It will.

\- John

 

I know

\- Harry

 

It’s just hard

\- Harry

 

I’m here.

\- John

 

I know

\- Harry

 

Next Thursday at 7 suit you?

\- John

 

Anytime’s fine

\- Harry

 

Talk to you later, ok? Stay safe.

\- John

 

Yep, bye

\- Harry

 

\---

 

 

**Detrimento—Malignitas—Victoria—Vltio**

_- > send text message_

 

Hello, Sherlock changed my contacts, just wondering who this was. You got the weirdest one, something all in Latin.

\- John

 

Greetings again, John, it is Mycroft Holmes. What was it?

\- Mycroft

 

Also I may be quite late. International crises, and all that.

\- Mycroft

 

Hi, Mycroft, sorry about this whole thing, Sherlock’s a bit bored. Have you managed to track him down yet? It was something like detriment, malignant, victory, vltio.

\- John

 

 

Detrimento—Malignitas—Victoria—Vltio?

\- Mycroft

 

Yeah, that’s it. Changed it back now, though.

\- John

 

How droll.

\- Mycroft

 

I don’t suppose anyone’s going to tell me what it means. Doctor’s Latin only goes so far.

\- John

 

You don’t suppose correctly.

\- Mycroft

 

Apologies, that was uncalled for.

Ask the Detective Inspector; he has viewed much more political satire than you.

\- Mycroft

 

Judging by his file, anyway.

\- Mycroft

 

Right. Not creepy that you’ve got a file on him.

\- John

 

Hmm, stupiditas aere perennius.

\- Mycroft

 

What?

\- John

 

Goodbye, John.

\- Mycroft

 

\---

 

Mycroft, do you still have this phone?

\- John

 

Mycroft? No, it’s Lestrade.

\- Lestrade

 

Oh, sorry, Greg. Today’s been a bit of a fuck up. Sherlock’s been messing with my contacts. Bored, like always.

\- John

 

So, billowing entrance to the Yard in 3… 2…?

\- Lestrade

 

God, I hope not, for your sake.

\- John

 

That bad?

Wait, what am I saying, he’s always that bad.

\- Lestrade

 

Hey, do you know what Detrimento—Malignitas—Victoria—Vltio means? Mycroft told me to ask you. Something about political satire?

\- John

 

Did he specify continent?

\- Lestrade

 

Er, no?

\- John

 

Ok, could be West Wing or Yes Minister, then. Can you translate any of the words?

\- Lestrade

 

Well, Victoria means victory. Malignitas means malice or malignant feelings… Detrimento is like destruction, I think. Vltio could be Ultio, but I don’t know what that means.

\- John

 

What was this for?

\- Lestrade

 

Sherlock set it as Mycroft’s contact name.

\- John

 

Hmm, I’ll think about it. Anyway, why did you think Mycroft had this phone?

\- Lestrade

 

Oh, he said something about a classified something or other – it’s okay; I really don’t want to know. I genuinely value my life. Anyway, he mentioned that he came upon your phone and was going to return it to you or something.

\- John

 

_Classified_ , is it

\- Lestrade

 

That’s what he said.

\- John

 

Greg? You there?

\- John

 

This day, I swear. Everyone’s gone effing bonkers.

\- John

 

\---

 

 

**Does That Make Her The Ice Woman?**

_- > send text message_

 

Hello, I was just wondering who this was. Sorry for the inconvenience, Sherlock changed all my contact names. It’s been a bit of a hassle to be frank.

\- John

 

Hi, John. A here.

\- A

 

A?

\- John

 

Yes.

\- A

 

Okay, sorry, I really don’t know who you are.

\- John

 

Forget all your women this easily?

\- A

 

Are you—? Oh, God, I’m so sorry. It’s been a hell of a day.

\- John

 

It was a joke. This is Mr Holmes’ assistant.

\- A

 

Anthea?

\- John

 

If you like. Was that all you required?

\- A

 

Yeah, cheers.

\- John

 

We are still attempting to find Sherlock. Mr Holmes extends his apologies for the delay. He is somewhat detained. ETA approx twenty minutes, depending on

\- A

 

Mr Holmes just received a call, and regretfully informs you that the ETA is now an hour and a half.

\- A

 

He adds that it was your fault, and that I should rescind the regretfully and replace it with something more strongly worded.

\- A

 

If it’s any consolation, Sherlock is likely still within the London metropolis.

\- A

 

Am I going to wake up and find this was a dream?

\- John

 

Unlikely.

\- A

 

Do you require reimbursement for emotional trauma?

\- A

 

No, I’ll be fine.

\- John

 

Good to hear. Goodbye, John.

\- A

 

\---

 

 

**Improbable, But It Must Be True!**

_- > send text message_

 

Hey there, sorry for bothering you, but I was just wondering who this is. Sherlock renamed all my contacts, and I’ve had a hell of a day sorting them out.

\- John

 

Oh, he is such a sweet thing, isn’t he?

\- Blocked Number

 

Not really the word I’d use. Who is this?

\- John

 

Now, that would be telling. Hmm, I can spare the time – how about we play a guessing game?

\- Blocked Number

 

How about we don’t?

\- John

 

Sherlock if this is you, no sex for a _month._

\- John

 

Oooh, having a little lover’s tiff, are we? And how is the lovely Virgin? Although, I suppose that moniker is a little outdated, now. I simply have to come up with another.

\- Blocked Number

 

If this is some person trying to be intimidating or threatening or whatever, I’ll tell you straight up that you’ve got nothing on his brother.

\- John

 

The Iceman! Oh, I do _miss_ the Holmes boys. Perhaps I should pop down for a visit sometime? It will be terribly fun. You are as boring as I remember, though, Doctor Watson.

\- Blocked Number

 

And if this is one of Moriarty’s henchmen pretending to be him – don’t bother, I know he’s dead. I performed a dissection of his brain myself.

\- John

 

Shall I take back my last comment? I must say it was delicious to see dear Jimmy finally caught and… punished. Though I would have spent much more time with him than you two did.

\- Blocked Number

 

Okay, I’m not even going to ask.

\- John

 

I wish you would.

\- Blocked Number

 

John, dear? Playing coy?

\- Blocked Number

 

I am definitely taking a visit down now I’m out of the firing line, and I most certainly will pop in on you and darling Sherlock.

\- Blocked Number

 

Just a friendly warning, sexy. Send him my love, won’t you x

\- Blocked Number

 

\---

 

In defeat, malice. In victory, revenge. Yes Minister. Happy?

\- Lestrade

 

Hm. Well, Sherlock is accurate in his sense of humour.

\- Lestrade

 

Oh, cheers. You alright, mate?

\- John

 

Greg?

\- John

 

Not again.

\- John

 

\---

 

 

**The Most Human**

_- > send text message_

 

Right, ok, if this isn’t Sherlock I am going to shoot something because this is the last contact.

\- John

 

If this _is_ Sherlock, I am going to shoot _you_.

\- John

 

That’s an interesting conundrum. Would I prefer for my laptop to be shot if I lie, or for myself to be shot if I tell the truth?

\- Sherlock

 

You absolute _sod_.

\- John

 

My riddles were amusing! They were intended to entertain.

\- Sherlock

 

You told me to be thoughtful, to do small things. QED.

\- Sherlock

 

“Small things” does not mean changing my fucking contacts information. Do you know how many weird bloody conversations I’ve had today? I’ve got the biggest fucking headache this side of England. If I hear any more fucking Latin I’m going to scream.

\- John

 

And where the fuck are you?

\- John

 

En route, currently. I’ve been dodging Mycroft’s cameras all day. He seems to be quite preoccupied, however, so it was infinitely more dull than usual.

\- Sherlock

 

Get your arse back home.

\- John

 

Impatient. Did we not partake many times this morning?

\- Sherlock

 

_Sherlock._

\- John

 

I get so hot when you start trying to be authoritative.

\- Sherlock

 

_NOW._

\- John

 

Are you going to tie me up and have your wicked way with me?

\- Sherlock

 

I’m going to tie you up and _leave you there._

\- John

 

Oooh, John, you know just what to say. Mmm, what are you wearing?

\- Sherlock

 

Fuck off. I am not having phone sex after a day like today.

\- John

 

Or any sex after today.

\- John

 

I bet I can change your mind.

\- Sherlock

 

You will _never_ change my mind on this.

\- John

 

_Received audio file_.

 

No, breathy moans will not change my mind.

\- John

 

Neither will a drawn out, “Oh, John.”

\- John

 

I am very angry.

\- John

 

WHAT!?!b!

\- John

 

that was cheating you cant tell me

\- John

 

ohg d _Sherlock!_

\- John

 

im still angry

\- John

 

_get home now_

\- John

 

I’ll be there shortly. Are you now intending to have your wicked way with me?

\- Sherlock

 

you have no idea

\- John

 

Oh, I think I do…

\- Sherlock

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of my poor Latin:
> 
> _Stupiditas aere perennius_ basically means, "stupidity that lasts longer than bronze," and is Mycroft not being very nice.


End file.
